Communication

So you finally showed up and I can't look @ u....it's amazing what happens when one is pushed to the edge. I am mad, angry, disappointed, and disgusted. I want the excuses to stop...I feel disrespected and that is something that I do not deal with. So now, you will visit when you feel it is convient for you I suppose. My question is y? But I will not take these moments away from her...so I continue to let u see her, even though it hurt's me. There is no contact...nothing verbal...jus no communication. For something that once upon a time was so good and feelings were shared. Confused, I am that. I jus know now that this is done, I am numb to the situation...enjoy being a father to ur daughter.

Being a New Mom...

The timing was not at all expected and yes she came early...but I was ready. It odd how u feel ready for things that are not planned, and since she is her mother's child she came when she was ready. The moments that I get to look in Jada's eyes are priceless. The time that we are sharing even more priceless. Jada has the smallest hands, face, smile, nose...her creation is beautiful. I could not have painted a more beautiful portrait even if I tried. My emotions are overwhelmed...she is going to be my best friend. I feel blessed to have her here. All that I keep thinking since 09/23/09 is that God must have known that I was tired. It was becoming stressful just the day to day battle of working. So he decided that it was time. Timing was perfect. Jada looks into my eyes and I feel happiness. The feeling of love and worrying all comes at once just like everyone said. I watch her every move and try to make her comfortable at every moment. I just want her to be happy. We talk and she looks at me...I want her to understand my words. The prayers that I say for her, the love that I express to her, and laughter that we share. I want Jada to feel the love that only her mother can have for her.

Just SOMETHING i AM thinking about

I happen to be in class today just thinking and a little semi-poem came into my head. It is not done yet and I am not sure when I will complete this one... but here it is.

I Wonder

The kiss that the sun has permentaly left on your skin
I Wonder if that is still there
The structure of your body sculputed by the great Michelangelo
I Wonder
That perfect imprint your lips left on mine
I Wonder
That first time you held me in your arms so pure and sweet
I Wonder

Yea, so that is it...to be continued maybe.

Spirit and Love

a liTTLE overDUE...WHAT ABOUT UR FRIENDS

during the past week i have seen that i have two of the best friends in the world, no one can compare to (you know who u r) no matter how hard they try. i have been through many FRIENDS and usually one starts acting up, but this time we all flow so well together. sort of weird how we tend to feed off of eachother. we have the BEST LAUGHS EVER, i swear we should have a television show so that the rest of the world could laugh with us, cause YES we are just that DAMN hilarious. we take good care of oneanother, a good listening ear, eat togethers (i am an ENGLISH major and i can make up words) and we LOVE eachother UNTIL THE END. it is qualities in each that make me a better person, one is very hard and just a firecracker oh and the world revolves around her (one finger and a fist circling around it) and the other has a great vocabulary, voice of a spoken goddess and intelligent together the FRIENDSHIP has endless possibilites...no destination required. just us and that is highly cool.

Many thoughts

I feel peaceful...overwhelmed because as much as I wanted to fight this the battle was not one where you would loose or win. The expressions and thoughts of what I really wanted to say for a while have come out and I am comfortable and excepting this journey. It is odd but I am alright with the path my life is taking right now. I thank God for each open door that he is giving me. School is going alright, I have a lot of classes going on right now and major reading to maintain, but this is what I have to do to make it out of JCSU on time. Nothing holding me back. Latley I have been having these weird dreams sometimes they keep me up at night and other times I wake confused. They usually deal with someone from the past or present and I am dealing or overcoming an obstacle. Not sure what each dream means but I am grateful to be dreaming either way. I am alright and happy to say that life throughs obstacles in your way and you either deal with them or let them take control over you. Its a wonderful thing when you decide to keep on moving. Especially when you lose a bit of the person you are in love with, but he is defenitly more than another boyfriend...he is my best friend and I thank God everyday that he allowed Chris to come into my life whether it is as a boyfrined, or friend. He has qualities like no other, he listens to me, crack jokes with me, and he most importantly understand me and that is something I have struggled with. I am soooo comfortable around him and I have waited so long to have that level of freedom around someone that at first it came as a shock, but now he is a friend first and foremost (I am laughing now writing this) and nothing at all can compare to my best friend I will always love him with all of my heart, and be there to support him in any way that I can, as he does me.

Peace and Love,

Spirit

Nothing at all!

The feeling of defeat has overcome my spirit...I must say that this time I am lost and feeling odd emotions. I want to fight, but will I be putting myself out on the line. I could be upset but I am not, I could be excited but I am not...I am melencoly, you know in between the "pregnant thoughts" like a frined of mine says. I wonder where or what did I do wrong....ME B/C I WOULD TAKE THE BLAME IF THIINGS COULD GO BACK. There is a missing factor in me, and I will not let these emotions overcome me, but at the same time it hurts. But this is what was wanted...so there you go! ENJOY...this is a slice of reality!

No More Sheets

http://www.youtube.com Juanita Bynum No More Sheets
The sermon of No More Sheets through Junaita Bynum has put me in the spirit of writing. Well not some much writing but to highlight the quotes from the sermon. If anyone has listen to or watched the sermon of No More Sheets, then you know that the message speaks to the soul of women, and encourages each of us to prepare ourselves for what we want....for we are not single even with no man.

There are a few quotes from the sermon...I took notes to pass along:

• Marriage is not sex
• Marriage is minsitry
• Buy it yourself, stop depending on him/her
• There is a penilty of pain for everyone you have slept with
• You have to be prosccessed to take away the layers of sexual partners
• Your imagination is a set up to get you back in the trap (bed)
• I don't want nobody who can't catch me in spirit, prayer, or when something is bothering me
• You have to make up your mind, you can't go and do everything that others do
• TREAT GOD HOW YOU TREAT YOUR MAN/WOMAN
• I have to walk in the depth of God until it super seeds the depth you have come from
• You don't marry for sheets
• God has something better for you
• Lord I want you to get rid of every thought that exhausted it self against you and renew me a new spirit
• SEX AIN'T EVERYTHING
• Love is when you are attaked by the enemy and you see the worst in eachother and still make the decision I am staying with you
• Love is when you walk through hard times together
• Love is feeling like giving up by saying "baby we going to hold on together"
• You can't build a marriage unless you go through some hard times together
• ANNIVERSARY IS I ALMOST KILLED YOU LAST YEAR...BUT WE STILL HERE